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Monday, May 6, 2013

The Flare That Changed My Life Once Again.....

April 1st 2013 I went on a road trip with my kids and BFF Julie.  Hubby had to stay home and work, so I brought Jules so we could all have time together... she is part of our chosen family.  9 days with the kids going to see my oldest Daughter Hannah at College..2000 miles round trip in 9 days...   It was a wonderful trip.  Memories were created that were life lasting.  The last day of the trip April 9 2014 my flare started.

I woke up at our last Hotel Stay...I couldn't get out of bed.  I was shaking from the pain.  I had to pack the car, get the kids packed, eat breakfast, get Bella to the beach because I promised.   Instead I sat in bed and watched my Julie, and my son Max load the car and get everything ready.  I was doing everything I could to get the pain under control  I wrapped my pain patches on my elbows and neck.  I took all my meds.. tried to relax.  I thought I am going to stay here one more night because I can't move.  My Bella who is only 7 gave me some of her muffin from the awful breakfast downstairs.  I needed to gain my sanity.  I wasn't sure what was going on.  My whole body started shutting down.  My estrogen patch failed, I was having stomach problems, pain everywhere.  My emotions were all over the place...and my kids were silently freaking out... I could see it on their faces.  I have never fallen apart in front of them before.

I basically crawled to the car....Meds were kicking in...had to stop at a drug store and pick up pills for my tummy.  I was having the flare from hell.  I got everything under control and rested in the passenger seat for the drive home.  I never drove this trip.  I can't really drive long distances any longer due to RA..even in my fancy car that has all these features I don't know how to use.  I finally get home and straight to bed.

I haven't really left my bed except for doctor appointments.  As I lay here...almost an entire month has passed.  Who? What? Where?  I have no answers except that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and there isn't an answer as to why I went into flare.  I can't and don't or will ever an answer except that I have incurable disease that chooses to act on its own.  I can only roll with it, and fight it with medication, medidiation, healthy life style, and therapy... both physical and mental.  It seeped into everything in my life and the lives of my family and close friends.  I am still in bed.  I am starting to lose my mind a bit.  I look around my house, and its a fortress, not a home.  Things need to get done.  Things need to get cleaned.  Things need to be cheered up.  I lay here...and well... it all just sits.  It is starting to really get to me.

Yes we are told by all ....who care...  so what...leave it..rest... it will get done when you are better... yeah its all for our own good... and it really is KEY TO REST AND TAKE CARE OF US BEFORE OTHERS.   How is that learned?  I have always learned the hard way.  In recent years at 43, soon to be 44...  I thought...thank gosh...I am finally just learning..and not the hard way anymore... I did a lot of that growing up in my late teens and early twenties..in a bad marriage..that resulted in my most wonderful surprise ...my oldest daughter.  Then I became a single mom for a few years... and finally, finally I met the man I will be with for the rest of our lives.    Hard lessons over... good head on shoulders... Healthy...life is roaring along..... RA Hits ... Life Over...New Life again begins.. Why do I have to relive my early lessons again?  Because RA murders your old life..and new one is given to us.  We don't get to choose...  There isn't an answer ...  It just is.

It has taken shots of cortisone, a medrol steroid pack..and now a constant supply of prednisone for a long while to get me out of this flare.  BTW... forgot to mention...you know that RA ruins your teeth too...   Well...due to my ignorance and huge gigantic fear of dentist....I had three teeth pulled two days ago...  I didn't go to the dentist...Why??  I didn't want to deal with yet another doctor.  I finally did..and found that I have over 13k of dental bills awaiting me.  I paid 1400 to get my bone graphs for my jaw line and future implants to be put in.  They are 4k a piece and I need at least two out of three.

I still have to remember, although I am recovering very slowly...I have to keep my life to a dull roar.  I have to recover even slower than I actually recovered from this flare.  I have to know that the steroids are a mask ... a false sense of feeling healthy.  I have to learn to let others help me more.  I have to take a lot more breaks.. I have to plain old slow down period end of story.  If I do this ... I will have things taken care of in time.. which I have a lot of.  So many subjects I haven't covered.  Relationships...Communication,  Self Love...  hmmmm  WE will get there..  For now... I am laying low and will keep sharing my thoughts..  ( to tired to spell check..so please forgive my errors.)

You are loved by me always.