Has RA Taken your HOME?

Has RA taken your your actual home?  Has RA taken the home you wanted to have?  RA has taken both from me.   I'm going to be honest as I always am with this blog.   I bought a dream home 6 years ago.  We owned it out right.  We were doing well. It was huge, it was everything we wanted.  It was decorated the way I wanted, fully furnished, swimming pool, guest room, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms..4300 sq feet, two story.  Get the picture...typical huge house.   It was the house my husband wanted, but that I found and moved us too.  That last sentence speaks volumes and will be explored in therapy then I will blog about it.

In this big house America went into a economic depression and my husband lost his job, I didn't work at this time.  We had a big savings and no debt.  Well... That didn't last long.  Over the next few years we were on a downward spiral.  We went into a major debt just in living expenses...and no jobs to be found.  I went back to work, part time, and then held a full time and part time job...looking back...my eyes are tearing up...this is what started my downward spiral.  I was trying so hard just to live. I was struggling with every aspect of my life. My husband who,looked for a job grew into a depression and lost a sense of manhood over these years. Men with families take a huge amount of stress on themselves   They need to ..."provide and work".  They feel useless and less of a
human because they can't find work.  This leads to many other roads we will travel down at some point.

I went back to work as a 911dispatcher and kept my job at the ranch.   I ran a therapeutic riding program ( tears running down my face as I type I guess I need to deal with that in therapy as well) for kids who,we're special needs..  I worked with a few adults as well.  I had a long commute to 911 and I hated that job. I was very toxic.  It paid well so I went to work every day.  On my days off I would work my other job.  Made sure my husband who was working part time and going to college was doing well, and raise my three kids and deal with a sick mother.    My body started to break down and my credit and credit cards maxed out just to live.  We were holding on to our home that was mortgage free, but we owed two years of property taxes now.  We also had our first home rented out and we were trying to hold on to that home as well.  We all know the banks and that story. We almost lost our first home.    I was so toxic RA seeped into my whole body.  I had to leave my dispatcher job because I couldn't walk.  I hobbled back to my part time job because in some ways it filled my soul.

I was lucky enough to have health insurance privately before I was dx'ed.  I looked for doctors who could tell me what was wrong with me.  The money dried up.  We had nothing pretty much. We did nothing.  We bought nothing. We ate cheaply.  We were behind on our utilities, and everything else. Credit cards were calling and suing.  The walls were closing in.  We decided that we had to sell our home and move back to our first home.  We needed the money, we needed to be closer to our friends and support systems.  We took a huge loss and sold our home took the money we got and ran back to,our first home which was 1200 sq feet and single story. We are here 10 months now.  I am happy to be here but I still don't feel settled...but we are trying.   Money problems have gotten better, but we spend very little.  We still have to,take care of debt, but with RA it is hard to,stay focused.  I always wanted a ranch with horses and land.  Well.... That won't happen.  RA has taken that dream away. I can't control it, but adapt to it and accept what I can't change. My dream of land and horses is gone. I dreamed of tractors, and barns..watching my kids grow up,outside in the mud.  My ranch will never be ...RA has no cure and will get worse.  I need to,choose wisely for my family.  I need to think about my Ra first....then make a choice.

I know most of us out there has lost a lot. I wanted to share this with you all.  It's a long road ahead of figuring out the directions we will go and creating.  One day at at time and lots of therapy is ahead for me. I do k ow one thing. Your home is where you make it, not where or what kind of house u love in.   Remember you are all loved by me.   Talk to you all soon.